sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
You Might Also Like
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down