I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
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Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.