Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”