According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
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You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work