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I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.