People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
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[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!