[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
You Might Also Like
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”