Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
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Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
My dress code is business-casualty.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year