Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
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[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased