This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
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In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks