Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
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Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Woke up against my better judgement again
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Netflix and awkward silence?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake