Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
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Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment