One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?