Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
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Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.