*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
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the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Breaking news:
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*