dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
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Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
FRED: right
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!