Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
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There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.