You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
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Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.