Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
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The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]