Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
seems fine
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato