This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
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if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week