Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
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Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.