Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
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“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?