Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Bit chilly again tonight.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing