‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
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I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I support this random dude and all his protests
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.