This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
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[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
our love story in four pictures
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.