A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
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Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
What?!?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?