*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
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“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.