this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
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I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I can’t stop laughing at this
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players