[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
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Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
i guess his teacher was really pissed
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes