Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
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Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I miss this era type of pranks😭
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.