friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
sliding into dms like
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.