I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
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What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
how it started vs how it ended
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?