People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats