family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
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Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Life with a cat in one tweet
Webb. James Webb.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.