Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
44.65
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44.87*click*
44.96*click*
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44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Doggies just call it style.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”