wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.