Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
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I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.