Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
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Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.