It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
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Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
hmmm
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?