“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
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Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris