I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
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Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Looking at you, Jesus.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I triple waxed for this?