Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
You Might Also Like
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush