retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
You Might Also Like
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.