I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
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[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.