Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade