[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
yall want some gasoline milk
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.