Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
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There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
drew a comic about my origin story
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
so i’m at the stock market right
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*