Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
You Might Also Like
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Just had my nails done!
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high