1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
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[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?